I forgot a fundamental truth that none of us can afford to forget. I forgot that the adversary knows me well. Because I had a lapse in memory, I have allowed him entrance into my life. I have allowed bitterness, unkind thoughts and so forth to take up residence in my being. It was subtle to be sure. Little things here and little things there. I truly became aware of it only minutes ago so you are the first to know my state of being right now. It is not pretty.
I have so very much on my emotional plate right now that I am being attacked by many fronts right now. Sometimes I feel like I am standing in a small pond of muck up to my knees and there are people throwing rocks and sticks and debris and me trying to bring me down. I feel like I have allowed them to get the upper hand.
I sat here a few minutes ago having my little pity party and wondering how Jesus managed to deal with it. The first and foremost thing that came to my head was that he cried out mightily to his Father. I have not cried out mightily to my Father. I have been busy crying out mightily to my frustration and anger. That needs to change. Jesus knew that Heavenly Father was always with him and he could count on him at any time. His faith did not falter.
I remember when I was a young teenager and I went to tell my mom that I loved her. Truly, the only reason I was saying it to her that time is because I really meant it. However, she looked and me and asked me what I wanted. I replied that I did not want anything. She said she did not believe me because the only reason I ever told her lately that I loved her was because I wanted something. I was really hurt by that. But then I realized that I did not have a right to be hurt.....she did. She was right. I was so busy living my life that the only time I took the time to remember that I really did love my mother is when I wanted something. It wasn't that I didn't love her at all times. I just forgot to confess it to her unless there was a reminder such as something I needed.
I believe that I have "forgotten" to express my love for Heavenly Father as I should be doing instead of just when I cry out to him in want. I think once I get back on the right track, I will feel much better and will be able to slog out of the muck and vanquish all my percieved foes.
Thank you to my children for being some of the best friends ever. You have given me more joy in my life than a woman has a right to :) You are my reason and I love you for it. More than you will EVER know!!!!!
