Yesterday was a really good day for the kids and me. The boys we wound up but in a good way. They were playing very well together. Gabriel had a speech and hearing assessment earlier in the day that he handled very well. We had good one on one time. The night before that I did some hugging and kissing on the boys. More than they have gotten from me in a while.
Last night right before bed Orey, the three little ones and I were in the dining room just relaxing and chatting. Eric was sitting right next to me and out of the blue said "You have beautiful eyes mommy". I thanked him and hugged him and told him how much I love him.
That might have been and "awwww" moment for you, but for me it was soooo much more! for the last several weeks I have been desparately trying not to spiral into depression. It happens sometimes to me. The pattern is that I find myself becoming irratated and irritable, then I watch it to see if it is something I can change on my own (maybe something is bothering me that I need to take care of), then if I determine I am trying to go into depression I try to stave it off on my own and that is when my family begins to suffer. You would think I would know by now but I always take this route. It is not until I let Orey in on it (as if he doesn't already know what is going on) before I start to get better whether environmentally (support) or through medication. Anyway, I become a not nice person. I know "I can't help it" seems lame but that is REALLY how you feel. You want to be nice but then when you open your mouth to say anything, poison in the form of anger, frustration, or whatever you want to call it comes out. I don't like me when this happens and then it becomes a nast cycle.
While I am not a mean mother, I am not a kind mother either. I get frustrated waaaay to easy. I don't hand out the "I love you's" like I should. The hugs are quick and on the go. It is embarrasing and upsetting to put this in writing, but there you have it.
Last night when Eric said I had beautiful eyes it made me cry. I know he loves me. I know he has seen my eyes for years. I also know that he thought I had beautiful eyes because the last few days they have been looking at him with love and pride. How grateful I am that the Lord let me know that He knows what I am going through by the words that came out of my son's mouth. It reminded me that the eyes are the mirror to the soul and right now, I have a beautiful soul. My son reminded me of that. The Lord let me know He thought so too. It reminded me that the Lord has "Beautiful Eyes" too. How could he not?!
I am working on having "Beautiful Eyes" all the time. Those around me deserve to be looked at with my "beautiful eyes" and not my angry eyes. I deserve that too.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Responsibility of forgiveness
Our responsibility does not lie in whether someone forgives us or not. Our responsibility is to work towards, and ask for that forgiveness with a sincere heart.
However, granting forgiveness is our responsibility too. We cannot serve two masters. We cannot expect the Lord to grant us love and privilege if we turn our backs on those who are seeking it from us. How unfair is that. Plus, I was asked earlier this year by one of my kids if they should be mad at a friend of theirs who did something pretty drastic. I told this child that they needed to make that choice. However, keep in mind that if we choose to be angry with someone then we need to accept the consequence that comes along with it. When and how do you choose not to be angry anymore? How do you decide how much time you should feed the anger for that particular event. Can you just choose not to be angry anymore? Will pride then become a factor to where you will feel like you are trapped into keeping that anger just to "save face"? Will you miss this person's friendship any time in the future to where you would wish you could go back and make a different choice? One of the most important questions is; are you prepared for the weight that anger will place on you?
I was proud of this child. She made the right decision. She chose to try to put things in a proper place within her heart. She doesn't have to worry about this person being a part of her life because they chose not to stick around. However, she does not have the guilt of anger hanging over her.
I am not saying that it is easy. It sure isn't for me all the time. And it sure wasn't in the beginning when I was figuring this out. However, over time it has been easier and I am a happier person for it. I have learned that my responsibility is to let Heavenly Father hold judgement, not me.
However, granting forgiveness is our responsibility too. We cannot serve two masters. We cannot expect the Lord to grant us love and privilege if we turn our backs on those who are seeking it from us. How unfair is that. Plus, I was asked earlier this year by one of my kids if they should be mad at a friend of theirs who did something pretty drastic. I told this child that they needed to make that choice. However, keep in mind that if we choose to be angry with someone then we need to accept the consequence that comes along with it. When and how do you choose not to be angry anymore? How do you decide how much time you should feed the anger for that particular event. Can you just choose not to be angry anymore? Will pride then become a factor to where you will feel like you are trapped into keeping that anger just to "save face"? Will you miss this person's friendship any time in the future to where you would wish you could go back and make a different choice? One of the most important questions is; are you prepared for the weight that anger will place on you?
I was proud of this child. She made the right decision. She chose to try to put things in a proper place within her heart. She doesn't have to worry about this person being a part of her life because they chose not to stick around. However, she does not have the guilt of anger hanging over her.
I am not saying that it is easy. It sure isn't for me all the time. And it sure wasn't in the beginning when I was figuring this out. However, over time it has been easier and I am a happier person for it. I have learned that my responsibility is to let Heavenly Father hold judgement, not me.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Be Still
I was driving to work this morning after casting my vote. I am sooo happy it is almost over so the phone calls will stop and the tv ads will stop and so on and so forth. I am grateful for my drive in to work because I do some communicating with Heavenly Father during the drive. This morning as I was thinking about all the bashing, backstabbing, bullying and any number of other "B" words that could describe the campaigning, I thought about how I felt hostage to my environment. I could not answer my phone, turn on the tv, drive down the road, or read a newspaper without witnessing nastiness. I felt like a parent of a bunch of little whiny kids all with chocolate cake smeared on their faces pointing at each other and complaining because that person made them eat cake, or stole it and ate it, or caused one child to have a belly ache for encouraging them to eat the cake, or getting mad because they got caught eating the cake. None of them saying "wow, I had chocolate cake and it was good, thanks".
I wondered if that is how Heavenly Father feels all the time? There is so much going on that is negative that He must be bombarded with it. I don't want to be one of those children.
It reminded me of a time about 12 years ago when one of my children began to have health issues. The night we became aware of it was a frightening time because we did not know what was going on, if the child would live or die. I remember doing what I thought was praying. In fact, it was begging. I remember this begging went of for what seems like a long time but was probably only minutes (from the time it took to call 911 to right before the paramedics arrived). All of a sudden it dawned on my that I cannot hear my Father's voice because I am too busy trying to get an answer. I remembered that I am supposed to "be still". So I calmed my mind, ceased my begging, and stilled my emotions. What a sweet and wonderful thing when the answer came clear as a bell that all would be well and my child was not in mortal danger. How incredibly grateful I was for that knowledge and confirmation. It gave me the strength and knowledge to function as my child's advocate rather than an emotional mother.
So, it today's society when it seems you are bombarded with negativity and nastiness. Be Still. Allow yourself to feel and hear the Spirit. Take comfort. Be Still.
I wondered if that is how Heavenly Father feels all the time? There is so much going on that is negative that He must be bombarded with it. I don't want to be one of those children.
It reminded me of a time about 12 years ago when one of my children began to have health issues. The night we became aware of it was a frightening time because we did not know what was going on, if the child would live or die. I remember doing what I thought was praying. In fact, it was begging. I remember this begging went of for what seems like a long time but was probably only minutes (from the time it took to call 911 to right before the paramedics arrived). All of a sudden it dawned on my that I cannot hear my Father's voice because I am too busy trying to get an answer. I remembered that I am supposed to "be still". So I calmed my mind, ceased my begging, and stilled my emotions. What a sweet and wonderful thing when the answer came clear as a bell that all would be well and my child was not in mortal danger. How incredibly grateful I was for that knowledge and confirmation. It gave me the strength and knowledge to function as my child's advocate rather than an emotional mother.
So, it today's society when it seems you are bombarded with negativity and nastiness. Be Still. Allow yourself to feel and hear the Spirit. Take comfort. Be Still.
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