Yesterday was a really good day for the kids and me. The boys we wound up but in a good way. They were playing very well together. Gabriel had a speech and hearing assessment earlier in the day that he handled very well. We had good one on one time. The night before that I did some hugging and kissing on the boys. More than they have gotten from me in a while.
Last night right before bed Orey, the three little ones and I were in the dining room just relaxing and chatting. Eric was sitting right next to me and out of the blue said "You have beautiful eyes mommy". I thanked him and hugged him and told him how much I love him.
That might have been and "awwww" moment for you, but for me it was soooo much more! for the last several weeks I have been desparately trying not to spiral into depression. It happens sometimes to me. The pattern is that I find myself becoming irratated and irritable, then I watch it to see if it is something I can change on my own (maybe something is bothering me that I need to take care of), then if I determine I am trying to go into depression I try to stave it off on my own and that is when my family begins to suffer. You would think I would know by now but I always take this route. It is not until I let Orey in on it (as if he doesn't already know what is going on) before I start to get better whether environmentally (support) or through medication. Anyway, I become a not nice person. I know "I can't help it" seems lame but that is REALLY how you feel. You want to be nice but then when you open your mouth to say anything, poison in the form of anger, frustration, or whatever you want to call it comes out. I don't like me when this happens and then it becomes a nast cycle.
While I am not a mean mother, I am not a kind mother either. I get frustrated waaaay to easy. I don't hand out the "I love you's" like I should. The hugs are quick and on the go. It is embarrasing and upsetting to put this in writing, but there you have it.
Last night when Eric said I had beautiful eyes it made me cry. I know he loves me. I know he has seen my eyes for years. I also know that he thought I had beautiful eyes because the last few days they have been looking at him with love and pride. How grateful I am that the Lord let me know that He knows what I am going through by the words that came out of my son's mouth. It reminded me that the eyes are the mirror to the soul and right now, I have a beautiful soul. My son reminded me of that. The Lord let me know He thought so too. It reminded me that the Lord has "Beautiful Eyes" too. How could he not?!
I am working on having "Beautiful Eyes" all the time. Those around me deserve to be looked at with my "beautiful eyes" and not my angry eyes. I deserve that too.
3 comments:
Marina you are one of the BEST Mommy's I know. It shows in how wonderful all your children and grandchildren are. You may feel as if you get frustrated "waaaay too easy" but I see a patient, loving and wise Mom. That being said your story brought me to tears and I want you to know how much I appreciate you.
I have been trying desperately to be a kinder mother as you say. I am quick to frustration and impatience and the girls suffer greatly for it. I don't want to be that person. I want beautiful eyes too!
Thanks for sharing. I love you bunches and also think you have beautiful eyes!
Eric is so sweet. He's very observant to recognize something was different. And you are very wise to not just say, "Oh, how sweet," and actually figure out why he thought they were beautiful.
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