"I want to go out clean"

I work in a prison, literally. I have been blessed several times to witness the man beneath the blue. In our prison system our inmates wear blue. As in most societies, many people on the "outside" see the blue and judge them. That is the way I used to be...sometimes still am. Only now I have a better idea of whether my call is correct or not.

The other day I had the experience. I am working with a particular inmate that will be known as "Mr. R". I always call the inmates "Mr. So and so". Mr. R has been coming to my office for several weeks for what amounts to a counseling session really. It is my job to help the inmates transition back into society. Mr. R originally came to my office to seek advice on how to deal with a family situation, something that happened to his daughter that he wants to get straight in his head and heart before he gets out so he does not do anything stupid and come back here. Mr. R is of a different nationality and sometimes has difficulty putting his thoughts in words or completely understanding what I am telling him. So, sometimes we spend a great deal of time finding a different way of saying the same things. Throughout our sessions I have discovered he has a daughter he loves tremedously, a grandaughter that is the light of his life, a wife that he has taken for granted and wants more than anything to have as a part of his life, he lost a grandmother he called Nana that was his conscience and guide whom he misses with his whole heart, and that he is called Tata by his granddaughter. I saw him as a man who has love and remorse in his life.

In our last session he was telling me that when gets out he does not want to go home and live with his family as they have asked him to do. He needs to live on his own to sort things out and get straight. As my job, I encouraged him to reconsider this decision as it would be difficult for him financially to go on his own. Plus, his family might get the wrong idea and think he is running from them. Finally he looks at me hard, in the eyes, I can tell he is making a hard decision about something. I let him look, let him visually probe my intent, let him see and decide if he can trust me with something that weighs heavy on him. He says "Ms. C, you don't understand" I say "help me to understand", he probes again for another full minute, I hold his stare. He sighs heavily and I see I have passed a huge test. He says to me "Have you ever heard of *blank* *blank* gang?" I tell him I might have. He tells me he has been an "associate" for most of his life. He explains he is an asset to this gang. Now this person is ill and has severe limitations. He points to himself and says "this don't matter what my body can and cannot do, it is up here (he points to his brain) that is important to them. The things I know, the things I have done, the things they want me to do because I have already done them". He gives me background on his actions and the how of it. He does not go into detail on the rest of the gang because he does not want me to know anything for my safety, and I don't want to know anything for the same reason. But he tells me a little bit about how he has manipulated things on the inside and the outside to do what needed to be done, what he was ordered to do, what he ordered people to do. This information, how easy and simple it is, frightens me and brings tears to my eyes. I tell him this. He sees this upsets me and he tells me "Ms C, I don't want to frighten you. I want you to understand what I was. That is who I was. I cannot go to my family because I need to protect them. In my world you live by the gun you die by the gun. I want to be clean when I leave. They already told me I need to see them before I leave prison, I am not going to. I know my consequence, I know what will happen. My Nana did not raise me to be that person. I want to be clean for her when I leave. My grandaughter "L" deserves to know her Tata was clean when he left. Ms. C, I am going to be clean when I leave". I understand what he means by "leave". My heart aches for him because I cannot help and he knows it. I tell him I wish there was something I could do. He said there is nothing but that I was listening makes the difference. I ask him if he is ready to face that consequence. He looks confused at me. I ask him "are you afraid? Are you afraid for when the consequence comes?", he says "Yes" with tears in his eyes, but he doesn't cry. He says he is afraid but he is okay because he will be clean.

Now I know why the Lord put me in this position. I am here to listen. I am here so they can divulge the intent of their hearts, to admit to me, therefore, themselves the desires of their hearts. They know I will listen, I will accept what they tell me, I will not mock them, and that I will hope for the best with them. I cannot tell you what a sweet blessing it is for me to be witness to this. Writing it down does not even come close. I know why the Savior tells us to visit those in prison. I think it is not always the prison with walls and correctional officers and such. I think it is the prison of a person's sins, past, deeds, etc. We need to visit them in those places and love and accept them so they can feel that they can "go out clean".